Intimate partner violence is not just “hitting”.
The Alongi Law Firm understands the insidious nature of intimate partner violence, including coercive control. We try to plan concrete solutions for helping survivors and their children escape abusive relationships. This includes encouraging the client to recognize subtle patterns in the cycle of abusive behavior.
It might start with a single slap. Sudden. Without warning. It’s a shock to the system, akin to having a bucket of ice water poured over the head. Perhaps the abuser hurriedly apologizes. Perhaps they cry and promise “never again”. Sometimes a survivor trusts this promise because they’ve seen the best in this person and want to believe it is true, especially if it will keep the family together.
Other survivors recognize the pattern—and the eventual lie—but they know that leaving an abusive relationship can often be the most dangerous path of all. This leaves many feeling trapped.
If they fight to protect their children, they are labeled an “unfriendly parent” who doesn’t “respect the rights” of the other.
If they flee without the children, they’re condemned for “abandonment” and risk termination of their parental rights.
If they take the children and run, now they are felons who “kidnapped a child”.
And if they stay and try to settle, they invite the real danger that DCS will take away the children for “failure to protect”.
Anyone involved in family court should understand the context clues to a controlling and destructive co-parenting relationship. They should avoid the quick, lazy, and irresponsible view that chalks up the problem to two parents who “just need to stop fighting and put their child first”. These context clues can include evidence that a parent …
Isolates the victim from friends, family, and other support systems
Degrades or humiliates a partner, often in front of others, or guilts them into complying with instructions
Rages privately (where the partner can experience it) but “controls their anger” just fine when others are watching
Displays extreme jealousy or possessiveness
There are a great many other warning signs, too. If there is a pattern of them, that bodes poorly for any notion of “co-parenting” … and it has nothing to do with “poor communication” or a “high-conflict” relationship.
If you have lived through this, want to leave, and think you can get out safely, we can help—whether it involves litigating for legal decision-making and parenting time, victim advocacy in criminal court, petitioning for an order of protection, securing a confidential address, or just studying more of those warning signs for the sake of education and personal insight.
Contact us today, and we can discuss whether legal solutions will make a difference.
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.
For information and suggestions, you can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233).
Last, if you do need to escape sometime soon, don’t be too embarrassed or afraid to seek temporary refuge in a domestic violence shelter. They are there for a reason. Or, if you do move someplace more permanent, consider applying for an undisclosed residential location under the Arizona Secretary of State’s Address Confidentiality Program.